The Struggle
Being a Junior in high school and being pregnant is not even close to easy, particularly if you are one with trauma issues. Especially when you have a goal of graduating early, and getting into cosmetology school 45 minutes away from your home. And having to attend for a set amount of hours every day for a whole year. As a teenager you are just starting to get your life started.
Especially me; I am a 17 year old girl who is 14 weeks and two days pregnant. Trust me it is not easy. I was taken from my biological mother when I was 7, and life went downhill for a longtime before it started getting better. Subsequently, I grew up in mental health programs and in DHHS custody. I am still currently in custody of DHHS, but I live with my fiancé and his family.
Reality of Childhood Trauma
As a little girl you do not expect life to be so hard. You find things like homework and not getting your way hard. But when you are exposed to real life early. You don’t usually let things surprise you so easily. I did not know my dad until i was 11. He pretty much wanted nothing to do with me, if not to ruin my life. Trying to set me up, and take me away from my family and friends, after making me feel not loved from a very young age.
After me and my two younger siblings got taken away, I was separated from them from the start. They were placed in foster care. My sister was 3 and my brother was 18 months old. I was placed with someone whom DHHS thought was my father, with no proof to the fact.
They did no DNA test like the are supposed to. However, they claimed to have the testing results proving he was, which was a lie. They had no idea who this man was, and he was not my next of kin. Nor did they know the trauma I was about to face.
Belgrade: The Trauma Intensifies
During the time that I lived at that house, I was abused and neglected in ways I had never thought possible. I was stabbed with needles, punched in the face by their 13 year old, and was locked out of the house in the middle of winter at night. Additionally, I had been kicked and slapped by their daughter only a couple months younger than me. And so much more, including mental and verbal trauma that is extremely difficult to talk about.
For such a long time i was so ashamed of myself. I was 7 years old in home that I had no rights. Furthermore, I was kept from my siblings and my mother. Even though I had all rights to talk to them by the state. They never allowed me to.
Adding to the trauma, they even had control of me at school. They asked my teachers to create these punch cards that showed them how my day was. Subsequently, if I got less than a a 99% in any class, they would punch a whole for that day. At the end of the day I was to bring the punch cards home. If I had a hole punched in it, I would get a punishment. Every one was worse than the last. Furthermore, the trauma of it all was so bad, I would cry the whole way home from school. At times even miss the bus so I did not have to face them.
Programs
Due to all the trauma I had been through, I was not able to maintain a good way to cope. Finding healthy coping skills if difficult for people at any age, especially hard at the age of 8.
So, I had been placed in mental health programs where I was taught how to help myself. At first, it definitely was not helpful. I was not willing to have help, I didn’t trust anyone, and incredibly defiant.
Can you blame me? I had been through so much and thought I could trust people, just for me to be betrayed. Which that in itself can be traumatic, especially if those people were supposed to be ones who love and care for you unconditionally.
Thankfully, I got out of these programs when I was 16, the day after my birthday.
Change: Eventually Rising Above the Trauma
After finally getting out and being in public school for the first time in years. I started making friends really easily. My best friend’s name is River. We got close very quickly.
He stuck with me through a very abusive relationship and not long after I started to heal, we started to date. However, I had just moved out of that school right before we started dating. Why? Because my former foster mom had cancer, and I was not able to live with her any longer.
Given, that foster mom was not very good to me. She had starved me, belittled me, and would call me names. Which of course added to my trauma.
River’s mother, Kat, had to make me food and give it to him to give to me at school. Whenever I went to his house he would give me snacks to eat on the weekends. When I was at his house I was safe. I didn’t have to worry about his mom being rude. she had open arms when I went. Asking when we were gonna date, we exchanged numbers and talked a lot.
Family
I could never put into words how grateful I am for everything they have done for me. River’s family made sure I had food in my stomach and they made sure I was safe anywhere I was. They were there for me when I truly needed them to be, slowly helping to ease my trauma riddled mind. It took me a long time to realize why they were doing it; and to completely trust them.
After my foster mother got cancer I was moved to a new family in Bangor, and they were not a great fit for me. They did not treat me fairly, yes I know this is something most teens say. But they legitimately treated me like a pariah, acted like everything I did was an inconvenience and allowing the 20-year-old to act childish.
Eventually, I had finally had enough. All it took was one text to River’s dad; and they immediately were on the way to me to get me. I moved in with them in March and I have lived with ever since. Again, I cannot say how grateful I am for them. In May of 2023, River had asked me to marry him Nd we are getting married this October.
Pregnancy a Blissful Trauma to the Body
My body is never predictable. However, when something is off I know. I had not started my menstrual yet; almost 3 weeks late. I thought that there was no way I was pregnant, however, I was at Walmart and decided to buy a test anyway. It was the Friday before my 17 birthday.
I was sitting at the dam by our house, spending time with River before we went to my mother’s to celebrate my birthday. I had taken the test right before we went down to the water. About 10 minutes after we got there, the 15 minute timer went off.
It was inconclusive, the positive was very, very faint leaving room for doubt. So we kept it between us, his mother, and my mother, until we knew for sure. I had purchased two boxes of tests. One for that following week and a three test box in case that one was not clear as well.
However, I got eager the following Sunday, wanting to know the answer, and took a test. Obviously, the results were the same. So I forced myself to be patient. A few days later, a family emergency occurred and I ended up hurting my hand, causing me to go to walk in. But because of how late I was with my cycle, they ran a urine pregnancy test. Now here is the part that I at first did not understand, I tested negative for that one.
Check up: Am I Really Pregnant
The doctors at walk in said that if I did not start my period by the end of that next week, to test again at home. Furthermore, they stated it may have been too early for a urine test to catch it. By that following Saturday night, River and I, could not sleep because I had yet to start and we wanted answers.
When I tested myself this time, the positive was a little darker and definitely visible to the camera. So, excited and nervous we told his mom. She had me test first thing in the morning, and that was the same. However, I was not ready to face the fact that my dream had came true and I am gonna be a mom.
Fear and Uncertainty
At the time, we had a lot going on as a family, and I had some pretty severe medical issues going on. Things that we all needed answers for. And me being pregnant made getting answers 10 times harder. Especially, since right before I found out I had an MRI of the brain scheduled. In the questionnaire, they asked if that was a possibility, because it could cause defects for the baby. So me not knowing for sure, checked yes. The hospital refused to perform the MRI.
They said once I knew for sure if I was or wasn’t then they would go from there. Even after it turned out that I was, I had asked my mom to look into the risks and the chances were very low. So, I made the appointment again, and lied on the paperwork. Because I needed those answers, especially since it could have been a life or death situation. However, it wasn’t long before I got into the OBGYN and found out my baby was ok.
After: Pregnancy and Education
Being in school isn’t easy when you are pregnant; it is easier for me because I am homeschooled. However, not that much easier. My body is not responding well to the baby growing inside me, and it has been a real struggle. Luckily, my teacher is amazing and he has been very easy with me. I still get work done; it is just working around my difficulties.
The trauma I have does not help either. I never realized how many unresolved feelings I had until the hormones started kicking in, and it has been a roller coaster. But I have an amazing amount of support and help. And I could not have been more grateful.
Furthermore, I am becoming prepared for when the baby comes in July.
By Keyauntay Robertson
Images Courtesy of Keyauntay Robertson
