I remember sitting in GMa’s room, on a palette laid out for me on the floor, when I got the news. We were moving to Florida. Now you’d think I’d be excited like any other kid, moving to a place where it’s summer all year round and, most importantly, has Disney World. But that wasn’t the case; I was upset and confused.
Why did we have to move so far from our family? Why do we have to start over? I have never been a fan of change, especially big change. I felt as though I was a sapling who was uprooted and planted in the wrong soil.
Erosion (My Experience)
Once we moved down there, I just felt as if the world was against me and alone. Starting at a new school where you knew nobody and nobody knew you. Being stared at like an alien, all eyes on you, wondering what people are thinking about you? Being a plus-size girl, it made my experience living there 100 times worse.
I was called so many names like Shamu, Jabba the Hutt, etc. I was always being made the butt of the joke, fake transactional friendships, and called a weirdo, all because I was into different things than my peers. In the midst of this dark period of my life, I met two of my best friends, GiGi and Annie.
They made me feel welcomed and understood. I could be my full authentic self around them. Even though their presence was there, I still felt clouded with darkness, wondering what was wrong with me, and why I was always an outcast.
Timber! (Everything’s Falling Down)
Along with my school experience, I was dealing with at-home issues as well. My mother and I weren’t seeing eye to eye, craving a relationship with my father; hoping he would step up to the plate and take accountability. I wanted to escape this feeling of confusion, loneliness, depression, anger, and thinking I was a burden to others. Feeling like I wasn’t worthy or deserving of love/greatness.
There would be times when I would pray to God to take me away in my sleep, so that way I wouldn’t cause pain to my family by taking my life rather than natural causes. I just wanted to experience truly authentic happiness. I wanted to feel content with my life.
The biggest source of my pain came from my biological father being an absentee parent. I craved his love and acceptance so deeply; I neglected the parent who I did have. I would always fantasize about what it would be like if I and my dad had a close relationship and hoped someday it would become a reality. But I now realize that he is who he is and I’ve come to peace with that.
My mother, however, instilled so much love, encouragement, and wisdom into me. She sacrificed her dreams and well-being in order to set me up for success and give me a fulfilling childhood to the best of her ability. I will always love and appreciate her for that. I always regret the fact I neglected her love and treated her so badly.
Sprouting (Growth & Healing)
With trauma also comes growth & healing. You begin to gain clarity on things and self-reflect, looking at things from a different perspective. As I grew older, I began to understand my mom’s choices as to why she moved us here. She wanted freedom. She needed to be in control of her life.
Not understanding the financial struggle that she was going through and that she felt just as alone as me. She just wanted to give me a better childhood than she had. Expand my horizons to show it’s more to the world than just Chicago.
I always viewed it as her ripping us away from our family, never understanding the depths of the whole situation. This caused me to resent my mother, causing our relationship to be strained.
Now that I’ve grown up, I’ve taken accountability for my part in the downfall of trust in our relationship, and I am trying to work on my issues. Healing isn’t a pretty process, but it’s worth the mental clarity and closure.
By Saniya Fields
Top and featured image Courtesy of Graham Scobey’s Flickr Page – Creative Commons License
Inset image Courtesy of Lorianne DiSabato’s Flickr Page – Creative Commons License
