August 24, 2020, was a nice warm sunny day outside. My friend from middle school was coming over so we had planned to get snacks and have a picnic in my backyard. Life was going so well; we went to the store and got some food. When we then got home, my friend and I thought it’d be a good idea to buy two paper squares from a guy who was selling them. He called them “Acid,” and we thought, why not? What could be the worst thing that could happen?
We were almost sure we would just swallow them and keep going about our days. Maybe we even forget about us taking that small square. We had no idea what it was, but we took it, and 45 minutes passed. Life felt so colorful but so fake; at the same time, like I was in a video game. I was in my room, I’d blink and somehow I was in another place. My head was spinning.
At that point, I was getting anxious and told my friend to go home before my parents would get back. Once my dad got home, I could see him upset. My older sister started crying, and my little sister was scared. But somehow I couldn’t acknowledge what was going on in my life. About 10-12 hours passed by, I started coming back to reality, and I understood what I had done wrong and what just happened.
The Life Regret
I recall looking at myself in the bathroom mirror for 10 minutes straight with no emotions and no words. Then, I broke down crying. I could not even come out of the bathroom. All that was going through my head was:
- “Why?”
- “Why did I do that?”
- “Why did this have to happen to me?”
- And “Why do I always mess things up for myself?”
Then I finally decided it was time to get up and come outside the bathroom. Even though I felt scared to talk and face my family. I came up to my dad and started crying. He said, “It’s okay darling, does your head hurt?”
I knew at that moment it was not okay and my dad didn’t look at me the same. I was not his little girl anymore. He started blaming himself, wondering where he went wrong for me to do that to myself. Life after that changed massively.
My mother, who had just gotten home from work at midnight, came in excited and happy into the house because she saw the lights on, thinking we stayed up waiting for her. In reality, my dad stayed up to let her know about the chaos I caused that day. I could hear my mom crying in disappointment across the hall. After that night is where everything in my life went wrong.
The Struggle With Mental Health
A week after, somebody very close to me whom I considered the brother I never had passed away. I was no longer treated as a part of the family. I was left out and seen as an enemy. I started feeling like the family’s disappointment, having negative thoughts about myself, and blaming myself for everything wrong in life.
Little by little, things kept getting worse, with no positive improvements happening, and I was then diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder), and an ED (eating disorder). It was very difficult dealing with such illnesses for a long time. No one around me knew how to help me, and if they tried, they would make it worst. My Parents found out I was self-harming, so they tried their best for me to stop, but nothing worked.
The happiness of my life.
March 21, 2021, is the day I first interacted with the living thing that saved my life. My dad surprised me by taking me to buy a dog, we then named her Pucca. She is a black Yorkie mix with a pug.
Pucca is weird and hilarious but also the most loving dog. She’s my partner for everything in life. I take her out with me everywhere. She gets most of my attention, but it makes me happier mentally to be around her.
I could definitely say she saved me from my depression. She gives me the motivation to stand up every day from bed. She never lets me feel alone anymore, so I get a distraction from thinking negatively about life. No, she may not be able to talk or communicate with me, but I somehow connect with Pucca a lot.
Pucca is just filled with love and affection. She has a very positive energy that just makes you want to smile and be happy for a moment. Anytime I’m in a bad mood, I start playing with Pucca and it brightens up my day. They say before something great happens to you, everything falls apart. In this case, the greatest thing that happen to me while everything around me fell apart was getting my best friend Pucca.
Written by Angelika Cano
Top and Featured image courtesy of Jessie Hodge Flickr page – Creative Commons License
Inset image courtesy of Angelika Cano
